An unusual greeting

Good thing this isn’t a personal meeting otherwise you’d probably be disconcerted. How do you shake hands when your partner has no hands? Over the years I’ve developed three ways of relieving the tension when I meet someone.

Firstly: I just start talking. That works really well at grief counselling visits. Just ring the bell and as soon as the door’s open an inch start jabbering: “Hallo, my name is Rainer Schmidt and I’m your pastor. You probably don’t know me because I’m new in this parish. We spoke yesterday because your husband has passed away.” I keep this up for at least three minutes and by then I’m in. I have to do it that way otherwise the chance that the door will be slammed in my face is high. Then I hear from the other side someone saying: “Someone trying to sell postcards again.”

Secondly: kiss kiss. This variation is certainly not the best idea for grief counselling but it makes a real impact at parties. Enter the room shyly, have a look around, stroll up from behind nonchalantly and wait for the opportune moment. And when the woman with the hair of an angel turns around say: “Hi, I’m Rainer” (kiss kiss). One must help people to overcome their fear of contact of kosher contact with someone who has a disability.

Thirdly: I only discovered this option last winter when, for the umpteenth time, I had to free my car from a snow drift and had ice cold arms as a result. So I went to the next retailer and told the saleswoman: “I need some gloves and would like to try them on.” After a five second pause (on her side of course) I grabbed the initiative and asked, “What are you staring at? Do you no have any gloves?” The glove tactic works well in winter. 

Im Winter hat die Handschuhtaktik wirklich prima funktioniert.

And the gloves have a second advantage ... since I can fold my hands now almost all my prayers have been answered. It‘s all about your body language.